Pain: “Yeah, Sometimes I Wish I Weren’t Me Either”

“In the same way, let your light shine before others so they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven.”

This has been such a huge verse in my life. To the point where I’m going to get it tattooed on my body. If there’s one thing that I’ve made my entire life about it’s Jesus.

I’ve been catching a lot of flak from a lot of different people lately. People who want me out of ministry, people who believe me to be a drunkard, a liar, a bad influence. The ironic thing about it though is that I’ve never once heard this from the people themselves. I’ve ALWAYS heard it through someone who was told by these things by these people themselves.

It’s incredibly hard to fight bitterness over this. It’s incredibly hard to seek reconciliation or come to some sort of understanding with these people because: 1. I have 0 clue who these people are. 2. These people are spreading lies about me to get me kicked out of church.
How do you deal with that?

I’m incredibly hurt that my brothers and sisters would opt to cause me pain and create dissension rather than  actually, physically speak with me. They would rather see my downfall than understand where I’m at and correct me if I actually needed correcting.

I’m frustrated because it’s not Christ-like. Yet because I live honestly and refuse to hide behind religion, lies, and fear of looking bad, I am a horrible person.

Normally, I would go out of my way to show people what I am actually doing for Christ, but not now. People can believe what they want to believe and that’s fine. I know where I’m at and I know what Christ wants me to do and I’m going to do that.

Usually I would have some sort of turnaround with hope but I’m not at that right now. I feel hopeless, I feel hurt, I feel persecuted. I just want this to be an eye-opening experience behind the heart of some Christians. To my non-believing friends and family, I’m sorry the church is like this and I promise Jesus isn’t. I hope the actions of a few don’t affect how you look at Yahweh and the way He feels about you, his beautiful, and glorious Creation, I just need to address this, whether it makes me look bad or not.

Sometimes it’s hard to find hope when those who are supposed to have it create the opposite. Sometimes I wish I didn’t do what Christ asked me to so life was easier. Sometimes I wish I grew up indoctrinated. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know Christ. Sometimes, I wish I weren’t me.

This is how this makes me feel. As someone who struggles with Depression and Suicidal Ideation, sounds exactly like what I need to be feeling from my Brothers and Sisters, right?


One thought on “Pain: “Yeah, Sometimes I Wish I Weren’t Me Either”

  1. I’m sorry for this pain. It hurts the church when the church hurts the church. Keep listening and follow as you are led. Not everyone casts a wide grace net, but Jesus does. Any mission worth doing has an inherent risk and requires vulnerability. Stay transparent, we need that. I hope you find a community that encourages you to keep progressing and developing your gifts to glorify Christ.


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