Blessings: Patience in a Pit of Despair

These past few months have been pretty shitty. Ever since the last half of North Carolina, things have been looking down (except for my donation, that was rad). To go from ultra positive, close with the God you care for so dearly, loving the new situation you’re in to back to square one, jobless, and over a thousand dollars in debt.

It’s funny how life changes so quickly.

It’s funny how one minute you’re well off and the next you’re not.

It’s funny how quickly a devotion for Christ becomes disappointment.

I want to pose a question: Why is it that when life starts to suck, the first thing to go is the last thing that should?

It seems that Jesus is the first person I throw out of my life when it gets hard. If things aren’t chipper or dandy I don’t want anything to do with him.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m the only Christian who most days I don’t want to be. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who can’t cling to the cross.

Instead of clinging to the cross I was clutching at what little money I had left, hoping to find at least one meal for the day, feeling utterly useless and hollow. It’s difficult to want to be ambitious or motivated when your day-to-day consists of sleeping, trying to figure out ways to survive, and fear of losing everything you own.

I pretty much quit.

I remember sitting on my couch one night at 2 in the morning, unable to sleep from stress and hunger thinking, I used to have so much passion, where did it go?

Have you ever been so wrapped up in life that you give up on everything you ever cared about?

I have.

I started praying that Christ would give me opportunities to gain a passion again. To do something productive for his kingdom, for his Earth. I prayed and prayed, constantly searching. I filled out nearly 100 different applications just hoping to gain a foothold just strong enough to hold me till I could find the next one. It was stressful. It was agonizing. It was emasculating.

I broke pretty quickly.

Yet one day I get a call from my long time mentor and friend telling me I should apply at this non-profit that helps runaways and at-risk youth. I thought to myself, “That sounds like everything I’ve ever wanted.” I applied, got an interview, and was super stoked to be even given a chance to pursue my dreams. I felt good, I felt genuine, and by the grace of God I got that job.

I now get to help kids who have been through some of the same atrocities that I have. I get to let them know it gets better. I get to have a direct hand in giving them hope.

Looking back at all the times I failed, all the times I had given up, I realize just how quick I am to write God off. Then I also see how faithful Christ is even when I’m not. Glad he is.


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