Pain: Weighing Moments Too Large for Scales

It comes in bits and pieces.
It’s always bits and pieces.

It’s so shocking what can happen in such a short spanse of time. Just the frequency and multitude of life that happens in the fractions of minutes. So much weight held in mere moments. 1/1440 of a day. That’s 0.0006%. I always wonder how such a minuscule unit could be so crucial?

When I was young, one of my favorite things to do was walk the train tracks with my little sister. We’d stroll the bars for hours on end. The thud of wood and crunch of gravel the background music to our mid-day fantasies of courage and conquest. Those moments are like emeralds for me. But like most emeralds they’re found at the bottom of dried up riverbeds, underneath years and years of silt, sand, and stone.They were buried deep. Deep under a multitude of 0.0006% moments. Moments that bore more weight than any amount of emeralds could. Moments that became more than just mere moments.

Here’s where things get real REAL fast:

There’s one thing I want to address with this blog in particular.

And it’s pain.

My childhood was miserable at best. So miserable that I’ve repressed a lot of that stone, sand, and silt. My brain continues to store memories away where I can’t retrieve them. Making my relationships all the more difficult to maintain since I’m very prone to forget vital information.

But some things I just couldn’t shelve. Things like coming out of my bedroom to the sounds of screams and breaking glass. The feel of broken drywall. The smell of burning cannabis. The cracklings of a glass pipe being heated. White powder lines on a glass table. The images of fornication in a magazine thrust on me. The feel of confusion and pain as sex became my five-year-old self’s reality.

It comes in bits and pieces.
It’s always bits and pieces.

A smell or a sound or a feeling. There’s so many more triggers than you think there would be. All with no escape.

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about pain. Heard a lot of complaints of the heartbreak of a fleeting lover. Of playful punches that just “went too far”. Of a major league team losing a game. Of a punishment that was “undeserved”. I could make a list a mile long of all the sayings and complaints I’ve heard about how “painful” life is. But for the longest time, all I could ever think when I heard any of them was ‘You have NO idea what a living Hell pain can be.’

All of these stones buried me up neck deep into bitterness, self-loathing, and suicidal tendencies. By the time I was 13 I had tried to cut my life short over 100 times in at least 15 different ways. I was done with life. I was done with people. I was done with existence.

Thankfully at 13 I also found out about Jesus Christ.

Never in my entire life had I been so pissed off about something. All of a sudden there was this God who “died for me” yet hadn’t done one damn thing to prevent this Hell He so valiantly defeated. In my mind it was B.S. If we were playing Texas Hold ‘Em Jesus had a 2 of clubs and a 6 of diamonds against my Royal Flush. He was a fraud.

But when I’m angry about something I like to try and find flaws to reinforce my train of thought. I will go to any length to make sure that my way is the only way. But the more and more I dug into Christ, the more and more He pushed that train off the tracks, then off of a cliff, and with a mangled, fiery, loud, and gruesome landing I couldn’t be angry anymore.

It hit me.

Christ was perfect. He wasn’t this monster watching from afar, dying for this thought-up cosmic cause. He was the voice that kept me from welcoming death with a bouquet of roses and a box of his favorite chocolates. He was the one that showed me that it wasn’t my fault. Nothing was my fault. That was worth following to me. Someone finally told me everything was ok, and MEANT it. Someone finally made the pain a memory and not a reality.

Pain is always relative. Pain is always situational. For the longest time I thought my pain was greater than others’, and that simply was not true. By physical and psychological standards, maybe, but every pain perks the ear of Christ. Pain doesn’t have to be a reality. Pain doesn’t have to last. Your value is so great that the Creator of everything died to make sure it is great. But there’s only so much I can say in a blog, so I’ll leave you with these few tasks.

Find a positive community, be honest, be vulnerable, View. Others. Complexly.